I guess it’s true to say that most of us have had setbacks and difficulties in our life. There is no doubt that some problems are larger and more impactful than others. Mostly, difficulties and tricky situations work themselves through. Sooner or later we are able to move on, often wounded, wary or sometimes wiser for the experience.
But, what happens when a problem or a situation can’t be solved or resolved and has to be managed or endured, sometimes for a lifetime? I’m talking about the impact of severe trauma such as the death of a child, disability in all its forms, the fracturing of a relationship with a sibling or a child, illness that is unrelenting and life threatening or disenfranchised grief and loss that can’t be talked about or revealed.
I’ve been thinking a lot about these issues recently. Some individuals and families are called on to endure and accept situations that require management for a lifetime and probably for some, beyond their capacity to do so. Some families require enormous resources and strength in order to support family members with special needs and ongoing illness.
When dealing with the grief of a lost child or indeed the disability of a family member and the loss of future dreams, some people can feel very alone. Especially, if there is little hope that things will improve or change. This is where acceptance comes to the fore. Acceptance is a very hard process to swallow because it can mean the end of hope or desire. Something has happened or is a particular way which means it isn’t going to be resolved, different or normal (whatever that means).
Acceptance comes at a mighty cost and a fair amount of pain for most people. On the other hand acceptance can sometimes bring relief and even a weird sort of calm. When a problem can’t be solved or changed (in the way we want) it has to be somehow, no doubt reluctantly, acknowledged. Acceptance, I suspect can bring about a new way of seeing a situation and a way of coping that is less depleting. However, it never replaces or wipes away the original trauma, grief, loss, sorrow or isolation. That remains in a managed space and is part of our life story.
Heather Whitford Roche 
Hello Heather, I liked reading this blog. You put words around something that’s hard to describe. I’m a person with knowledge, skills and compassion and it’s very hard to resist the urge and desire to improve a complex and awful situation, when others don’t want help. Pulling back (acceptance), with all its sadness and helplessness, is my new learning. But, it doesn’t mean I won’t always care and wish I could do so much more. Thank you for your writings and reflections. x
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I think acceptance is hard for most of us. Sometimes, I find it even goes ‘against the grain’. Thanks for comments Jennifer.
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It’s good to stop and reflect on what you’ve written here about acceptance and acknowledgment. It reminded me that resisting what has happened is the opposite of this. Someone once said ‘you can’t argue with reality, reality always wins’. I wish I could encourage people to accept their loss and focus on acceptance and then healing, but I know everyone will move through in their own time. Thank you for writing.
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Good piece Heather. Acceptance is definitely a wisdom which has to be learnt every day. Thats my two bobs worth but you do have us all thinking.
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After almost 10 years of grieving the loss of a child, I also believe that acceptance is our salvation. Without acceptance I fear I would have been ‘stuck’ in loss, guilt, denial, etc. Knowing that the loss of human life is part of our human condition helped me to accept mine. Accept, accept, accept — but still plenty of tears along the way…
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Can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to lose a child…your words are from someone who knows. I think for many circumstances where loss is involved, acceptance seems to help. I know for myself, acceptance is allowing me to live with loss of expectation not despite it, if that makes sense…
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Wise words 🙂
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